Month: August 2016

I feel that I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m no longer struggling for things to make sense or for something to happen that I’m working toward. I’m at peace with where I am, and I don’t feel the pressure of trying to make anything happen.

All too often I see those quotes like “Live in the now!” and “If you’re too focused on the future one day you’ll look back and realize you missed out..”. I ignore them. Because I’ve always felt that it’s been important to look forward to the future and what that may or may not hold for me… That being said, I also realize that I need to calm down about it.

Every now and then, as I’m sure you can tell through the subject of my sporadic posts, I get world weary and desperately want to be able to fix anything of value. Then, I read a book or watch a movie that slaps me in the face with all that “Live in the now!” talk. I’ve almost always taken it for granted. This time I’m going to listen.

I have finally found the relationship that I’ve been looking for. We’re building a life together, and that is all I really need to be happy. I spend time with my family as much as possible, I have a job that I don’t absolutely loathe, and I don’t have to worry too much about money. I’m doing okay.

So for now, I’m going to relish the present. I’m going to be fully aware of every situation I’m in, instead of dwelling on what has yet to be. I want to thrive instead of worrying about what I can or can’t change. I want to love every day and not worry about what’s coming, at least not until it happens.

I’m not going to regret missing out on anything. I’m happy with everything in my life, even though some of it isn’t exactly what I want, I’m choosing to love it in the midst of change. I’m at the point where I decide how I live my life, (not based on what happens in it, but in spite of what may happen) and I have to say that I love my decision.

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

I had a conversation with a coworker the other day about where our world is headed. I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of “oh, it’ll be alright. We’ve made it this far.” and “The earth is going to implode. Soon.” and I don’t know what to do about it. The reason we’ve made it this far is the same reason the Earth is crumbling: industrialization. Global warming is real, deforestation is definitely happening, and wildlife, or at least its home, is rapidly depleting all while big business is booming. Why? Because money talks, and not much else matters in our society today.

So. What can we honestly do about it? In a perfect world, I would ride a bike or walk to work everyday. Living in Texas, however, that proves rather difficult. I would love to grow my own food in a garden, and only buy locally raised meat and so on.. But I just don’t have the finances for it after paying the rest of my monthly bills. (One day I will have my own greenhouse!) I want to decrease my carbon footprint, but cannot fathom the ways in which to do so that would actually cause a dent in the factories and businesses that depend on my money for revenue… I jokingly told this coworker that the only thing I could think of was to not have children. If I can guarantee that I lessen the amount of people there are to need these types of things, then I could help right? Then, since I want to be a mother, I could foster children… (Tangent alert: That’s a topic for another post entirely.)

I’m at a loss. Other than planting trees and trying to help as many living things as I know how, I just don’t see how as a society we can fix this. We don’t have to backtrack necessarily, but I do believe that we need to reform a lot of our culture’s structure. And to do that we’d need to convince the government and big business that this is the right thing to do. Their comforts and money mean more to them, however, so I doubt that we’ll be able to get them to see otherwise. I know, I’m cynical. Boo hoo.

The only thing that I can see really working, is if government ideals change with the course of generations. So in talking about these things now and getting younger generations upset about what the future of this planet looks like, I believe that we’re headed in the right direction.

Next step: research! I want to be as informed as possible in the hopes that I can enlighten the situation, and be able to crush even my own excuses.

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

Yesterday was a pretty normal day for me. I got to work at 7, left at 4, the usual. I was feeling a little more optimistic than I normally do perhaps, because I spent my down time planning out what I wanted to cook for dinner each night this week and I was going to go pick up healthy snacks on my lunch break.  (I recently found out that I don’t have enough good cholesterol. I don’t have too high of bad cholesterol, which is weird, I just don’t have enough of the good stuff. What else is new.) I love planning, and I love the feeling that I had my life together.

So I successfully ran to the store, bought plenty of snacks, and stopped at Chili’s to pick up the salmon I ordered all within my allotted hour. The work day was going well, even though I was busy and didn’t have time to make some of the phone calls I needed to make… phone calls that I still need to make. And while we’re at it, let’s add a few more phone calls to that list. Because on top of calling a prospective employer, (whom I’ve been trying to contact for 4 months) before I pulled out of the parking lot at work and being rejected, I was rear-ended on my way home. It wasn’t bad, and not too much damage was done, but an inconvenience nonetheless.

After getting all of the lady’s information, I got a phone call from my boyfriend asking if I could pick up one of his grandmother’s prescriptions. No big deal, it was on my way home and I planned on stopping at the store in order to buy everything for the aforementioned amazing, wholesome meals I had planned to make. Once I get there, however, they look at me like I’m crazy and inform me that there are no prescriptions to pick up. So I call my boyfriend, get the mess sorted out, and leave with the medicine about 20 minutes later. At this point I decided to skip the store, thinking we probably had something I could just make at home. A little less exciting, but I was in no mood to deal with any more people.

Once I get home mother nature decides to be best friends, yet again. So my uterus has now decided to join in on my disheartened mood. Awesome timing. At this point I’ve decided that I’m done for the day. I planned on doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen on top of cooking dinner. Nope. No longer do I plan on doing any of that mess.

I sat in bed for a good 30 minutes, just relaxing and trying not to cry. I hate crying. It’s stupid and pointless and usually does nothing but make you feel somewhat better after you’re done. Minus the stuffy nose, itchy eyes, and swollen face. Gross. Then, my boyfriend asks what we want to do for dinner… I wasn’t even hungry anymore. I told him I didn’t care, but that I had given up the idea of cooking. After my great planning to eat only healthy meals, we went to Sonic. I’m not exactly proud of it, but it’s probably better than the dinner I had decided upon (which was wine).

I didn’t feel particularly upset about the events that happened on my way home, but I didn’t feel happy. I was just in a down mood. Which is okay, but I hated it. Monday at its  finest… I am proud of myself for how I handled everything though. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t even cry. I am left with feeling let down however. I was more upset about that phone call and realizing my option of that position is no longer available  than I was about the wreck.

All I can really conclude from yesterday, and the advice that my boyfriend gave me, is that everything can only get better. I’m trusting in God that everything will work out how it should for me, and trying to be patient.

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

One of the questions I’ve been dwelling on lately, as I’m sure my other posts reflect, is: Will I ever be at the point in my life I’m striving so hard to reach?

Not only do I stress about money and lack thereof, but I worry that I’m getting caught up in things that aren’t important. Do the things I want even matter? I feel materialistic and self centered when I consider the house, car, and lifestyle I want for my future. Does wanting these things make me selfish? Or, is the fact that I’m predisposed to this sort of life because of where I was born to blame for my materialistic dreams? Is it wrong to want a certain house? Or should I be focusing on my actions toward others, issues such as deforestation, and our rocky economy/society in hopes to better them? How much can one person really do? I understand that nothing can be accomplished if no one speaks up for change… But are we too opinionated? How much will our society agree on to work toward?

Welcome to my anxiety wrought mind. After fumbling down this massive and ever expansive mudslide of questions, I stop and focus on how I feel. Yes, the fact that I was born and raised in America probably has a lot to do with the lifestyle I envision myself having in the future. But is that a bad thing? No. It isn’t. My wants and desires very well may be materialistic, but I already have everything else I could ever want. Realizing that fact makes me see that the materials around me don’t matter, they’re just comforts. And comforts are a healthy part of life if, as with everything, they’re taken in moderation.

As for focusing on what our society can/should/might work on collectively… there’s no point. I can only realistically change aspects of my own life and those who I come into contact with directly. If I choose to lead by example and strive to be more and more compassionate each day then I feel that I’m doing my part to better our world.

In focusing on how I feel instead of on how things may go wrong or be perceived negatively, I come to terms with my current situation. I’ve been working toward this lifestyle since I graduated high school… probably even while I was still in high school. I am actively creating the opportunities I want in life by choosing what to work toward each day. So, as long as I’m choosing to remain compassionate, I think I’m doing alright in life.

I realize that the answer to my question is no, I will never be at the point that I’m striving to reach. Because once I reach that point, I will strive for more and better things for myself and my family. And that’s okay.

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.