Month: March 2017

Compartmentalization

 

I haven’t been to church in over a year. I miss the people, I miss the relationship, and I miss the worship. I even miss some of the message. Not all, but some.

My absence started out because I had surgery. I missed a couple of weeks because I needed time to heal, and during that time I started to really think and question things that I had experienced in my life as well as in my church. That self-discovery period lasted a lot longer than I could have anticipated. To be honest, it’s still ongoing and probably will be for the rest of my life. One of the questions I had during that time about my church has yet to be answered. The reason for that is because I haven’t asked outright. I don’t want to make my concern known and have them alter their actions simply to assuage me. I want to follow an organization because I believe in what they are accomplishing, not because of how well they accommodate to me.

So the question I’m currently faced with is: Can I be a member of this church in order to reestablish relationships that have faltered while remaining true to my own faith when it differs from certain teachings and actions of said church? Being an individual within a group does not automatically make you like the group of which you are a part. Take the Avengers, for example. Each member has their own personality and means to fight injustice, yet they are all striving to meet the same goal. My personal goal is the same as the church’s: to reach and help as many people as possible. It’s that simple. Yet, I can’t pretend to support a corrupt act that’s viewed as progress.

I don’t mean to make it seem that sinister. But, to me, what this church is working toward is wrong (to an extent). I can understand it, but I do not agree with it. So the question comes to light again: Can I remain true to my own faith and stand with this group for the sake of relationship while also remaining the person for which God has a vision? Would it be accepted to be the epitome of diversification within an organization that’s all about agreement and working together? I don’t want to set aside my own beliefs in order to work toward something that someone has told me matters. That specific goal does not matter to me in the grand scheme of things. (Unless there is a portion to this specific goal that has not been communicated.) The general goal matters to me, so is that what I should focus on and set the rest aside?

I feel that I could potentially set aside my concerns and focus my faith on the things I agree with. I also know that I am very easily persuaded. The last thing I want is to dive back into this organization with the mindset of compartmentalization only to be molded into someone with the same line of thinking that I am currently disagreeing with. I want to have a firm stance on exactly what I believe and why before I allow anyone else’s perceptions to sway me.

If that is seen as wrong, then I sincerely apologize. However, I will not apologize for remaining true to myself and what I know to be correct in my spirit. That version of “correct” may change with education, but I want to walk into that education with a clear mind and conscience. And that is something I feel that everyone should at least respect, even if they disagree.

(If you are a member of this church, or have any questions or concerns in general, please feel free to contact me. I want to be open and honest about how I feel without hurting or disrespecting anyone. This is simply a part of my personal journey and in no way a reflection of the individuals in this leadership.)

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

*Also, I found the picture on Pinterest and hope that the watermark suffices as credit.

When You Listen: My Way of Saying ‘Thank You’

I am a planner. Hardly anything I do in life is done without careful consideration of all possible outcomes, good or bad. I even plan when I’m going to make lists for things that need to be done… It may or may not be a character flaw. But hey, at least I’m prepared!

That being said, buying a house was not planned. It especially was not planned to happen in the time that it did. Then, once it was a part of the plan, the timing of the paperwork did not go according to that plan. Needless to say I was a big ball of hectic stress.

Yet, I listened.

When my boyfriend and I first decided that buying would make more sense long term than continuing to rent I thought it would be a failed attempt. I was wrong. I’m beyond glad that I was wrong. Had I not felt a peace that this was the right thing to do, I never would have agreed.

Praying is not the only answer to life’s problems. Listening is. I’m not religious, nor have I ever been, but I do believe in maintaining an important relationship with God. That relationship is precious to me and it involves work on my part consisting of praying and obeying. The process of buying a house was stressful and lengthy. There were times when I wanted to scream at everyone involved and give up. But, I continued because it was what I was told to do.

The timing ended up working out perfectly in order for us not to pay rent and a mortgage at the same time. The house we bought is not even 2 minutes away from both a fire station and a hospital, (which will help out tremendously in case anything were to happen with his grandmother). My family was able to help us move out the day before our lease was up. I was able to take off work in order to sign all of the closing paperwork. We were actually given money back when we finalized everything. We even got free pizza that night!  Our car insurance, (that we rolled in with our home owner’s insurance) payment went down by about $350 a month.  When we signed up for new internet offered in the area we moved to, we ended up saving close to $100 a month. All of that savings makes up for the extra we’re paying for our mortgage. We were able to set up an extended home warranty policy. The seller’s paid for a new roof, as well as all of the closing costs and we didn’t have a down payment.

None of this would have worked out half as well had we not prayed and listened. God really is awesome and will continue to prove his love for us. And all we have to do is listen.

I’d like to thank those closest to us who helped us out. We are both extremely grateful: My dad, who drove his truck and trailer back and forth all day in order to help us with the big furniture. My mom and sister who helped us finish packing and loading everything up. Jeff, who let us borrow a few dollies as well as gave us boxes and tape. Steve, who came over to help move some of the heavier furniture. And our neighbor, who just met us on move-in day, and lent a helping hand anyway. Seriously, thank you all.