Compartmentalization

 

I haven’t been to church in over a year. I miss the people, I miss the relationship, and I miss the worship. I even miss some of the message. Not all, but some.

My absence started out because I had surgery. I missed a couple of weeks because I needed time to heal, and during that time I started to really think and question things that I had experienced in my life as well as in my church. That self-discovery period lasted a lot longer than I could have anticipated. To be honest, it’s still ongoing and probably will be for the rest of my life. One of the questions I had during that time about my church has yet to be answered. The reason for that is because I haven’t asked outright. I don’t want to make my concern known and have them alter their actions simply to assuage me. I want to follow an organization because I believe in what they are accomplishing, not because of how well they accommodate to me.

So the question I’m currently faced with is: Can I be a member of this church in order to reestablish relationships that have faltered while remaining true to my own faith when it differs from certain teachings and actions of said church? Being an individual within a group does not automatically make you like the group of which you are a part. Take the Avengers, for example. Each member has their own personality and means to fight injustice, yet they are all striving to meet the same goal. My personal goal is the same as the church’s: to reach and help as many people as possible. It’s that simple. Yet, I can’t pretend to support a corrupt act that’s viewed as progress.

I don’t mean to make it seem that sinister. But, to me, what this church is working toward is wrong (to an extent). I can understand it, but I do not agree with it. So the question comes to light again: Can I remain true to my own faith and stand with this group for the sake of relationship while also remaining the person for which God has a vision? Would it be accepted to be the epitome of diversification within an organization that’s all about agreement and working together? I don’t want to set aside my own beliefs in order to work toward something that someone has told me matters. That specific goal does not matter to me in the grand scheme of things. (Unless there is a portion to this specific goal that has not been communicated.) The general goal matters to me, so is that what I should focus on and set the rest aside?

I feel that I could potentially set aside my concerns and focus my faith on the things I agree with. I also know that I am very easily persuaded. The last thing I want is to dive back into this organization with the mindset of compartmentalization only to be molded into someone with the same line of thinking that I am currently disagreeing with. I want to have a firm stance on exactly what I believe and why before I allow anyone else’s perceptions to sway me.

If that is seen as wrong, then I sincerely apologize. However, I will not apologize for remaining true to myself and what I know to be correct in my spirit. That version of “correct” may change with education, but I want to walk into that education with a clear mind and conscience. And that is something I feel that everyone should at least respect, even if they disagree.

(If you are a member of this church, or have any questions or concerns in general, please feel free to contact me. I want to be open and honest about how I feel without hurting or disrespecting anyone. This is simply a part of my personal journey and in no way a reflection of the individuals in this leadership.)

 

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

*Also, I found the picture on Pinterest and hope that the watermark suffices as credit.