Author: vanessasthoughtbubble

There are days when I feel all too much and not nearly enough at the same time. Lately, those days have been more and more frequent. This phenomenon makes it nearly impossible to find motivation to do anything past my daily responsibilities. Tasks that I once deemed enjoyable are now hindrances and will no doubt cost me precious energy that I already don’t have enough of to deal with said daily responsibilities. It’s annoying. I’ve recently discovered that the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator has an explanation for this: the INFJ personality type.

From what research I’ve done, I’ve found that this stands for “Introversion Intuition, Feeling, Judging”. I don’t know whether or not this is exactly my type, as I haven’t actually taken any of the quizzes… (see comment above regarding tasks that I once deemed enjoyable). However, everything that I’ve seen relating to this personality type describes me rather well. At least now I have an outlet with which to understand what is going on when I start to feel this way, right? Descriptions of INFJs that I’ve come across have stated that reading is one of the best activities to take part in when these emotions (or lack thereof) arise.

Reading is one of my greatest passions. I read when I’m tired, when I’m happy or sad, when I’m busy, and when I have nothing to do. Currently, I have a handful of books that I’ve bought with the knowledge that I’ll get swept up in the story and moved by the words. I love reading. I also haven’t read a book in months… It’s starting to feel like a chore, and I hate it. Whatever this funk is that I’m in needs to get gone real quick. That being said, I’d love to hear what you or anyone you know does in situations like these in order to calm down or quiet the mind’s constant stream of “what ifs?”.

I have plenty of ways in which to do just that, but for some reason they are apparently not working long-term. Perhaps I just need to make time every day to enjoy a bath, or cup of tea, or dive into a new book. There are worse things to spend time doing after all. 🙂

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

I am a planner. Hardly anything I do in life is done without careful consideration of all possible outcomes, good or bad. I even plan when I’m going to make lists for things that need to be done… It may or may not be a character flaw. But hey, at least I’m prepared!

That being said, buying a house was not planned. It especially was not planned to happen in the time that it did. Then, once it was a part of the plan, the timing of the paperwork did not go according to that plan. Needless to say I was a big ball of hectic stress.

Yet, I listened.

When my boyfriend and I first decided that buying would make more sense long term than continuing to rent I thought it would be a failed attempt. I was wrong. I’m beyond glad that I was wrong. Had I not felt a peace that this was the right thing to do, I never would have agreed.

Praying is not the only answer to life’s problems. Listening is. I’m not religious, nor have I ever been, but I do believe in maintaining an important relationship with God. That relationship is precious to me and it involves work on my part consisting of praying and obeying. The process of buying a house was stressful and lengthy. There were times when I wanted to scream at everyone involved and give up. But, I continued because it was what I was told to do.

The timing ended up working out perfectly in order for us not to pay rent and a mortgage at the same time. The house we bought is not even 2 minutes away from both a fire station and a hospital, (which will help out tremendously in case anything were to happen with his grandmother). My family was able to help us move out the day before our lease was up. I was able to take off work in order to sign all of the closing paperwork. We were actually given money back when we finalized everything. We even got free pizza that night!  Our car insurance, (that we rolled in with our home owner’s insurance) payment went down by about $350 a month.  When we signed up for new internet offered in the area we moved to, we ended up saving close to $100 a month. All of that savings makes up for the extra we’re paying for our mortgage. We were able to set up an extended home warranty policy. The seller’s paid for a new roof, as well as all of the closing costs and we didn’t have a down payment.

None of this would have worked out half as well had we not prayed and listened. God really is awesome and will continue to prove his love for us. And all we have to do is listen.

I’d like to thank those closest to us who helped us out. We are both extremely grateful: My dad, who drove his truck and trailer back and forth all day in order to help us with the big furniture. My mom and sister who helped us finish packing and loading everything up. Jeff, who let us borrow a few dollies as well as gave us boxes and tape. Steve, who came over to help move some of the heavier furniture. And our neighbor, who just met us on move-in day, and lent a helping hand anyway. Seriously, thank you all.

Then why the hell does it seem so fleeting??

Let me go ahead and take a stab at this one. It’s just my opinion, so please feel free to disagree with/contradict any of what I’m about to write.

Reaching milestones is a constant in life. Such as learning to walk, graduating school, getting a job, buying a house… But when is the milestone just being in the moment? It is so easy for me to get caught up in what I’m doing that I don’t realize how much time has actually gone by. “In the blink of an eye” literally seems true now. I always heard the adults say that at reunions and family get togethers. Who knew?

I take life one day at a time or else I will get way too stressed out/unmotivated to do the things I know I need to in order to take care of my responsibilities. I know this because of how I act when I’m looking forward to Christmas and trying to ignore that it’s 80 degrees in the middle of November. The most productive thing I do then is bake cookies. A lot of cookies. But how am I supposed to feel when I’m focusing on getting to work on time and presentably every day, then relaxing at night so I can be energized enough to get up and do it all again, only to realize that a year has gone by and I’ve spent zero time with people I care about? Should I feel sad? Cause that’s how I feel.

It’s almost like I should be Wonder Woman and be able to make time stop in order for me to spend quality time with everyone I’d like to. (I don’t actually know if Wonder Woman has that ability. Humor me, just go with it.) But I shouldn’t feel inadequate simply because I’m doing what everyone else is doing in order to provide for things that will make my life more comfortable should I? I didn’t think so either.

Even though time is definitely fleeting, I feel like I’m making the best of it while also trying to make the most of it. Responsibilities won’t wait for anyone, but there will be a day when those responsibilities will become easier to manage. So until then, I’m going to focus on being happy and remaining a positive influence in lives that I come across.

While also eating cookies.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

Let’s start out with a cliché, shall we?

‘Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.’

Now let’s throw a millennial spin on it: ‘Choose a field you love, study hard, and you’ll never work a day in your life. Because no one is hiring.’

Ha ha ha… Pretty funny right? Except when you’re the one looking to be hired. (Even then I have to admit, it’s still pretty hilarious. If not ironic.) I have all of these qualifications, and continue to acquire more, in the hopes of getting a better job “when I’m older” for my future. Well time’s a tickin’ and I’m not getting any younger.

I was on the Dean’s List at just about every college I attended, I have a certificate to be a Library Technician, I have a Bachelor’s in English Language and Literature, and I’m a certified Warranty Administrator for Chrysler for which I just received Employee of the Month. I’m doing pretty well in life, except for the tiny fact that I’m not actually using any of my qualifications.

I want to, desperately, believe me. But I have yet to find a position I want with employers who are willing to hire me. Or maybe there’s just someone else more qualified… You see the trouble is that I don’t have experience, just the degree. The degree should be a testament to how dedicated and motivated I am, shouldn’t it? The degree should prove that I have the knowledge and skills necessary to perform a job in that field, shouldn’t it?

I will never stop working to improve my knowledge. Especially if that improvement allows for the betterment of mine and my family’s life, as well as my career. I’d just like to know what sort of magic is necessary in order to land the job of my dreams, and finally feel like I’m contributing to something decent in the world.

Perhaps all I need to do is broaden my thinking, and find a way to do so without it actually being what I get paid to do. Although, that would definitely be a nice perk . 🙂

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

Everyone’s heard the cliché. It’s the little things… that matter most, that make the difference, that cause the trouble? Technically speaking, the big things matter, make a difference, and definitely cause trouble. Not to mention, the big things are usually of a heavier subject and in that sense much more difficult to forget. So why is the cliché all about the little things?

I’d like to talk about my current housing situation. Our family is renting a nice sized house, in a pretty rural area. It’s reasonably priced for the time being, but after two years the landlord is raising rent by about $300. So at this point it would make more sense for us to buy a home, right? Wrong. Or, at least, maybe…

We need to be more centrally located in order to be closer to healthcare for his disabled grandmother, but those homes are more expensive. There are certain types of loans available that offer a 1% down payment, which we could definitely afford… but not in the areas that we are needing. So 3.5% down it is, which we can’t afford. We have to have a certain amount of space to accommodate for our family, but we can’t have a two story home because of her disability. We’re willing to work on a fixer-upper, but even the sellers of those homes that we’ve talked to so far have been difficult.

To say the least, it’s been a pain. We may have to give up searching for a home to buy, and simply find another to rent. Hopefully that’s not the case, but at this point it’s all up in the air.

So, that’s definitely a big thing. But, where are the little things? They are in the stolen kisses as our realtor walks into a different room during a showing. They are in the reassuring smiles and gentle hand holding when things, (yes, the big things) get too difficult to think about. They are in the excited conversation of all the possibilities our future holds. They are in his eyes when I simply can’t look at anything else anymore.

Even though searching for a house is definitely a big thing, the percentages and contracts are those little things that cause trouble. But the little things that matter most, and that seriously make a difference, really are it. Without those little things, none of the big things would be even remotely possible to cope with. Without those little things, life wouldn’t be worth living.

It really is the little things.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: It goes on.”

Never have I relied more heavily on this notion than I have in the past couple weeks. From financial responsibilities almost getting the better of me, to political situations that seem to have no bright end, I just couldn’t get a hold on this sinking feeling. In the grand scheme of things there isn’t much I can do as one single person to alleviate our societal problems. I get that. It’s frustrating as hell, but I get it. At least I had a hold on my and my immediate family’s lives… or so I thought.

Heart attacks are the worst house guests. They show up unannounced, make no indication as to the length of their stay, and they make a giant mess. It is by far the worst thing to witness. There was absolutely nothing I could do, which probably made no difference as I couldn’t think straight anyway…

Following that ambulance to the hospital was the most anxious I have ever been. I kept looking over to my boyfriend, who has had to be the caregiver since age 15, and wondering how on earth I could help him. There was nothing I could do… except be there for emotional support, (which, if I’m being honest, almost feels useless). It was not until we arrived at the hospital, waited what felt like hours, (was really only 30 minutes or so) and the nurses got her stabilized that I could fully breathe. Once again, or so I thought…

There is a long road ahead of us, and it is no doubt going to be a difficult one. The stresses of the event have not lessened even though the event is over. The breath was but a moment of clarity in a situation that keeps rearing its ugliest head. I know one day that we will look back on this time and consider it one that has only strengthened us, but for now I just can’t see it. Which is why I must keep telling myself: “It goes on”. I will not, cannot, be stuck like this forever. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how long that tunnel is.

I hope that no matter what situation you’re in, you can say the same. It goes on… we just have to meet it at every step of the way until it does.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

I’d like to ask anyone of their experience with moving to a different state. If you’ve decided on packing up your things, selecting a city that you’ve never even been to, and moved there, I want to hear your story.

My boyfriend and I are currently in the deciding stage… but we haven’t yet started any of the necessary requirements of actually moving. On one hand it’s exhilarating. To experience something totally different from everything I’ve known so far is utterly enthralling; yet, on the other hand, it is scary as hell.

I think the reason this scares me is: 1. because of the unknown, duh. and 2. because I’ve done this before. Completely alone. And I hated it. Of course there were fun portions of this previous move, but overall it was a disaster. It was only for 3 months and I still think about it as one of the worst times of my life.

I understand that this time, if we choose to do so, we will be going together and tackling every challenge as a team. However, one of the reasons I hated the previous time is because I missed my family horribly. That aspect would not change. I would no longer be able to simply ‘stop by after work’ to visit, and that deeply saddens me.

I keep telling myself that I’m young, and I might as well travel and see whatever it is I want to see now. I don’t need to wait until a ‘better time’ because there is no better time. I’m leaning toward making the decision, diving in, and finding a house to build a life in this other city. But only under the stipulation that if, after a year, I am not happy, we move back.

There is also the idea that we could buy a house there, and if we do choose to come back, put it up as a rental. We could do the same here in Texas, and that way we would have more viable options of seeing our family and living where we choose.

These are all just thoughts for now, but if you have a similar story or experience I want to hear all about it!

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

I feel that I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m no longer struggling for things to make sense or for something to happen that I’m working toward. I’m at peace with where I am, and I don’t feel the pressure of trying to make anything happen.

All too often I see those quotes like “Live in the now!” and “If you’re too focused on the future one day you’ll look back and realize you missed out..”. I ignore them. Because I’ve always felt that it’s been important to look forward to the future and what that may or may not hold for me… That being said, I also realize that I need to calm down about it.

Every now and then, as I’m sure you can tell through the subject of my sporadic posts, I get world weary and desperately want to be able to fix anything of value. Then, I read a book or watch a movie that slaps me in the face with all that “Live in the now!” talk. I’ve almost always taken it for granted. This time I’m going to listen.

I have finally found the relationship that I’ve been looking for. We’re building a life together, and that is all I really need to be happy. I spend time with my family as much as possible, I have a job that I don’t absolutely loathe, and I don’t have to worry too much about money. I’m doing okay.

So for now, I’m going to relish the present. I’m going to be fully aware of every situation I’m in, instead of dwelling on what has yet to be. I want to thrive instead of worrying about what I can or can’t change. I want to love every day and not worry about what’s coming, at least not until it happens.

I’m not going to regret missing out on anything. I’m happy with everything in my life, even though some of it isn’t exactly what I want, I’m choosing to love it in the midst of change. I’m at the point where I decide how I live my life, (not based on what happens in it, but in spite of what may happen) and I have to say that I love my decision.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

I had a conversation with a coworker the other day about where our world is headed. I’m stuck somewhere in the middle of “oh, it’ll be alright. We’ve made it this far.” and “The earth is going to implode. Soon.” and I don’t know what to do about it. The reason we’ve made it this far is the same reason the Earth is crumbling: industrialization. Global warming is real, deforestation is definitely happening, and wildlife, or at least its home, is rapidly depleting all while big business is booming. Why? Because money talks, and not much else matters in our society today.

So. What can we honestly do about it? In a perfect world, I would ride a bike or walk to work everyday. Living in Texas, however, that proves rather difficult. I would love to grow my own food in a garden, and only buy locally raised meat and so on.. But I just don’t have the finances for it after paying the rest of my monthly bills. (One day I will have my own greenhouse!) I want to decrease my carbon footprint, but cannot fathom the ways in which to do so that would actually cause a dent in the factories and businesses that depend on my money for revenue… I jokingly told this coworker that the only thing I could think of was to not have children. If I can guarantee that I lessen the amount of people there are to need these types of things, then I could help right? Then, since I want to be a mother, I could foster children… (Tangent alert: That’s a topic for another post entirely.)

I’m at a loss. Other than planting trees and trying to help as many living things as I know how, I just don’t see how as a society we can fix this. We don’t have to backtrack necessarily, but I do believe that we need to reform a lot of our culture’s structure. And to do that we’d need to convince the government and big business that this is the right thing to do. Their comforts and money mean more to them, however, so I doubt that we’ll be able to get them to see otherwise. I know, I’m cynical. Boo hoo.

The only thing that I can see really working, is if government ideals change with the course of generations. So in talking about these things now and getting younger generations upset about what the future of this planet looks like, I believe that we’re headed in the right direction.

Next step: research! I want to be as informed as possible in the hopes that I can enlighten the situation, and be able to crush even my own excuses.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

Yesterday was a pretty normal day for me. I got to work at 7, left at 4, the usual. I was feeling a little more optimistic than I normally do perhaps, because I spent my down time planning out what I wanted to cook for dinner each night this week and I was going to go pick up healthy snacks on my lunch break.  (I recently found out that I don’t have enough good cholesterol. I don’t have too high of bad cholesterol, which is weird, I just don’t have enough of the good stuff. What else is new.) I love planning, and I love the feeling that I had my life together.

So I successfully ran to the store, bought plenty of snacks, and stopped at Chili’s to pick up the salmon I ordered all within my allotted hour. The work day was going well, even though I was busy and didn’t have time to make some of the phone calls I needed to make… phone calls that I still need to make. And while we’re at it, let’s add a few more phone calls to that list. Because on top of calling a prospective employer, (whom I’ve been trying to contact for 4 months) before I pulled out of the parking lot at work and being rejected, I was rear-ended on my way home. It wasn’t bad, and not too much damage was done, but an inconvenience nonetheless.

After getting all of the lady’s information, I got a phone call from my boyfriend asking if I could pick up one of his grandmother’s prescriptions. No big deal, it was on my way home and I planned on stopping at the store in order to buy everything for the aforementioned amazing, wholesome meals I had planned to make. Once I get there, however, they look at me like I’m crazy and inform me that there are no prescriptions to pick up. So I call my boyfriend, get the mess sorted out, and leave with the medicine about 20 minutes later. At this point I decided to skip the store, thinking we probably had something I could just make at home. A little less exciting, but I was in no mood to deal with any more people.

Once I get home mother nature decides to be best friends, yet again. So my uterus has now decided to join in on my disheartened mood. Awesome timing. At this point I’ve decided that I’m done for the day. I planned on doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen on top of cooking dinner. Nope. No longer do I plan on doing any of that mess.

I sat in bed for a good 30 minutes, just relaxing and trying not to cry. I hate crying. It’s stupid and pointless and usually does nothing but make you feel somewhat better after you’re done. Minus the stuffy nose, itchy eyes, and swollen face. Gross. Then, my boyfriend asks what we want to do for dinner… I wasn’t even hungry anymore. I told him I didn’t care, but that I had given up the idea of cooking. After my great planning to eat only healthy meals, we went to Sonic. I’m not exactly proud of it, but it’s probably better than the dinner I had decided upon (which was wine).

I didn’t feel particularly upset about the events that happened on my way home, but I didn’t feel happy. I was just in a down mood. Which is okay, but I hated it. Monday at its  finest… I am proud of myself for how I handled everything though. I didn’t get angry, I didn’t even cry. I am left with feeling let down however. I was more upset about that phone call and realizing my option of that position is no longer available  than I was about the wreck.

All I can really conclude from yesterday, and the advice that my boyfriend gave me, is that everything can only get better. I’m trusting in God that everything will work out how it should for me, and trying to be patient.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.

One of the questions I’ve been dwelling on lately, as I’m sure my other posts reflect, is: Will I ever be at the point in my life I’m striving so hard to reach?

Not only do I stress about money and lack thereof, but I worry that I’m getting caught up in things that aren’t important. Do the things I want even matter? I feel materialistic and self centered when I consider the house, car, and lifestyle I want for my future. Does wanting these things make me selfish? Or, is the fact that I’m predisposed to this sort of life because of where I was born to blame for my materialistic dreams? Is it wrong to want a certain house? Or should I be focusing on my actions toward others, issues such as deforestation, and our rocky economy/society in hopes to better them? How much can one person really do? I understand that nothing can be accomplished if no one speaks up for change… But are we too opinionated? How much will our society agree on to work toward?

Welcome to my anxiety wrought mind. After fumbling down this massive and ever expansive mudslide of questions, I stop and focus on how I feel. Yes, the fact that I was born and raised in America probably has a lot to do with the lifestyle I envision myself having in the future. But is that a bad thing? No. It isn’t. My wants and desires very well may be materialistic, but I already have everything else I could ever want. Realizing that fact makes me see that the materials around me don’t matter, they’re just comforts. And comforts are a healthy part of life if, as with everything, they’re taken in moderation.

As for focusing on what our society can/should/might work on collectively… there’s no point. I can only realistically change aspects of my own life and those who I come into contact with directly. If I choose to lead by example and strive to be more and more compassionate each day then I feel that I’m doing my part to better our world.

In focusing on how I feel instead of on how things may go wrong or be perceived negatively, I come to terms with my current situation. I’ve been working toward this lifestyle since I graduated high school… probably even while I was still in high school. I am actively creating the opportunities I want in life by choosing what to work toward each day. So, as long as I’m choosing to remain compassionate, I think I’m doing alright in life.

I realize that the answer to my question is no, I will never be at the point that I’m striving to reach. Because once I reach that point, I will strive for more and better things for myself and my family. And that’s okay.

As always, thank you for reading into my thoughts.